The Absolute Worst Conventional Superpowers
Dollars to doughnuts your dream power sucks
Superheroes are great, and many, like Superman, Wonder Woman, and Spider-Man, rank among the most influential pop culture icons of all time. However, despite how cool the heroes are, some of their powers would be disadvantageous or downright dangerous to have in real life. Comically useless powers like Arm-Fall-Off Boy’s powers or Big Wheel’s Big Wheel are not being considered because their powers have always been jokes. So without further ado, here are the worst conventional superpowers to have.
Enhanced strength tops off this list. It is one of the most common powers in superhero media, but is sadly not as usable as it may seem. Remember, super-villains do not exist in our world, so there isn’t a Doomsday or Megatron for you to use your super-strength against. More likely than not, you are going to be the equivalent of the one guy with a pickup truck. Once people find out, there go your weekends. Every single time one of your buddies needs to move, or buys a new couch, or wants to remodel their backyard, you are going to be the first guy they call. Not to mention, if you only have the strength, and not the enhanced bone density, the first time you punch a wall to show off, you are going to break every bone in your hand. It’s physics; when you hit the wall, the wall hits back.
So if it is not viable to be more powerful than a locomotive, then you might as well leap tall buildings in a single bound, right? Nope. There are lots of ways to fly, but for the purpose of this list, we assume that you don’t have a power suit or a jetpack. So, when you’re flying like Superman does, your flight is entirely reliant on your own physical fitness. With this factor in mind, flying is probably going to be less viable than running everywhere. In addition to the energy you need to move around, you would also have to expend even more energy to just hold yourself up in the air. Realistically, the only thing you could do is levitate a little bit at parties. All you can do is show off. People are going to hate you for flaunting your flight powers in their faces. So congratulations, you have a new party trick, but all of your friends hate you.
Invulnerability is usually a pretty safe choice. If nothing else, why not be immune to harm? Inherently, there is not anything wrong with invulnerability. However, the average person isn’t going to be getting much utility from it. Maybe soldiers, or SWAT officers, or people who are regularly in danger could benefit from the ability to sponge a bullet, but everyone else who works a nine-to-five as an actuary, or a physical therapist, probably will not be making use of their invulnerability. Hell, unless you fell off of a cliff while mountain biking or have a skydiving accident, you might never even know that you have invulnerability.
Almost all comic book characters take way more punishment than any normal human would be able to survive. Marvel’s Wolverine and Deadpool are able to get slapped around even more because of their healing factors, an ability that allows them to rapidly recover from almost any injury. Broken bones fuse back together in an instant, and whole limbs are able to regenerate. As you may have guessed, there are huge problems with it. Unlike invulnerability, you will definitely know that you have a healing factor, but not in a good way. It is not very likely that your healing factor will know the difference between your skin cells dying as per usual and an open wound from a machete. You will be an unrecognizable mass of constantly regenerating flesh and infinitely growing hair and fingernails. Enjoy a fate worse than death!
CW’s The Flash is, in my opinion, an awful show. The acting, CGI, and plotlines are subpar, but I understand the appeal. The characters are likable enough, the expanded universe with Arrow make it easy to hop into, and Grant Gustin is objectively not a bad looking guy. Plus, the super-speed is cool right? No, it isn’t. If all you have is super-speed, you will die as soon as you run too fast. The friction will incinerate you, plain and simple. So, with the knowledge that running faster than (x)-miles-per-hour will kill you, how much cool stuff are you going to do? Time travel or quick trips to China are out of the question. Plus, with no enhanced stamina, you can only run as much as you can now without getting winded. Super-speed may improve your 8th grade mile time, but honestly, it won’t do much else.
That brings us to the end of another blog post. Thank you so much for your time and, as always, feel free to email me with your suggestions, comments, and verbal harassment. Oh, yeah, and the best superpower is definitely Batman’s deal. Being rich.